After a haitus for our son’s marriage, we’re back in the saddle! Thanks for your patience.
Today is a blog post from Jeremy. The same topic from the wife’s perspective was posted last week by Kari.
It’s sometimes difficult, especially after a long marriage, to remember to do “the little things” that make for a happy wife and a happy home.
We men can become very complacent in long-term relationships. It’s easy to believe the “hunt” is over, and now we can get comfortable.
The problem is, when men get comfortable, women get bored.
Here are five things I’ve not always been perfect at, that have meant a great deal to my wife over the years. You wife may have different needs, or find different things more valuable (and if you don’t know, share this blog with her and talk about your marriage with her).
After a haitus for our son’s marriage, we’re back in the saddle! Thanks for your patience.
Today is a blog post from Kari. The same topic from the male perspective will be posted later this week.
Think about when you first started dating your spouse. For some of us, we may have to think waaaay back. What did you do that was special for your man that only a girlfriend would do? What did he do for you that made you fall in love with him?
Now ask yourself, do you still do any of those things for your man? Does he still do those little things for you that made you know he was the one?
One of the main reasons people fall “out of love” with their spouse is because they stopped being the person that they fell in love with in the first place. Many people think that once you are married, the “dating” stops. I’m not talking about “going” on dates, although that is one thing you can do.
Jeremy and I went through a time where I stopped being his girlfriend and he stopped being my boyfriend. This was probably the most unfulfilling time in our marriage. We fought a lot and I actually asked him to go to counseling at one time. In the process of discussing this, we started to communicate and realized we were not doing the things for each other that a couple who are dating, do. We decided to change things going forward and have not looked back.
Here is a list of five things I do to show Jeremy how special he is to me. Some of these are things I did when we were dating, and some are new things I’ve learned along the way. You have to decide what will work for you. Better yet, talk to your husband and ask him what he remembers you doing when you were dating that made him fall in love with you in the first place. You might be surprised at what he says.
I tell him that I love him and I’m so proud of him.
I was always pretty good about telling Jeremy that I love him but was terrible about telling him that I was proud of him. Girls, your man needs to know that you are proud of him and that you are glad you married him. I always thought it but was terrible about saying it. Then Jeremy and I talked about it and I found out how important it was to him. This is what makes it worth going out into the work world and killing himself for you and the kids. Trust me, most men do not go out into the corporate world because they like it. They go out there and fight the good fight because they LOVE you.
Just a quick, “Thinking about you,” goes a LONG way.
I text him during the day to say that I’m thinking about him.
Most couples spend eight or more hours a day away from each other at work. If you’re like me, you might have a two-hour commute. Then add in the time we spend getting ready in the morning, putting the kids to bed, cooking dinner, any other after-school extracurricular activities, doing the dishes, and then it’s time for bed. Add it all up, and it’s a wonder if we have time to sleep. Marriage takes work. Jeremy used to spend hours talking on the phone at night until we HAD to go to bed if we were going to get up for work the next morning. This is one of the few times where I am so happy to have cell phone technology. Some days it just makes the world a different place when you receive a text from your spouse saying that they are thinking of you and love you.
I fix his dinner plate and bring him coffee in the morning if I’m up before he is.
This is one that I didn’t do when we were dating, but I’ve picked up over the years. It’s my chance to “serve” my husband. Not because I’m beneath him, but because he’s worth it, and I like taking care of him.
I touch him.
When you’re first dating, you can’t keep your hands off of each other. I’m not talking about sex. I mean touching so you can be close to the one you love. I hold his hand, I come up behind him and give him a hug, I put my hand on his leg in the car. Human beings need to be touched. It’s important that the person who provides that for your husband is YOU.
Put forth an effort.
I am far from a supermodel and I definitely have my “dumpy” days, but I try to put forth an effort to look my best for my man. If I know I’m going to be spending the day with Jeremy, I will wear makeup and try to wear decent clothes. I’m not talking about heels and a gown, but I don’t go around in sweats and PJs. I want Jeremy to be proud to be seen with me. This is not always easy, especially if you have little ones at home. But it’s worth the effort. Don’t save the best of you for your co-worker’s at the office, and leave your husband with the tired leftovers.
Ladies, what things do you do for your husband that I didn’t mention? Any here you disagree with? Share your stories in the comments below.
Unless you have basically unlimited income, there will be times when you’ll be needing to spend evenings at home. These don’t have to be unromantic! There are plenty of great activities you can do in and around the house that cost close to nothing and provide wonderful opportunities to bond and deepen your connection. Here are some of our favorites:
Go for a walk (or a bike ride)
When the weather is nice, especially from spring – fall, when it’s still sunny out in the evenings, we like to talk a walk around the neighborhood with our puppy, Ripley, leading the way. We’ve seen some amazing sunsets this way, enjoyed watching our pup do her best to chase rabbits, met some neighbors out working on their yards, and talked a lot.
It’s the chance to just be together, as a couple, that makes these so rewarding. We can talk about our day, about upcoming plans, about vacation ideas, whatever comes to mind.
So get up and get outside. The fresh air and exercise is good for you, but the companionship and chance for close communication is even better.
Have a game night.
Sometimes there is nothing more fun than sitting at home with a bottle of wine over a game of backgammon, Othello, mancala (really fun and under $10) or poker (with wine, this eventually becomes strip poker, but we digress). Whatever your game of choice is (except maybe highly competitive games or violent video games) would work magic. We still have a Wii, and a night of Wii Sports or Tetris can also be great fun.
One of Kari’s favorite Game Night memories is of us playing backgammon by the fire with some soft music playing, and Jeremy kept pouring more wine into her glass when she wasn’t looking (Jeremy doubts very seriously she didn’t notice). Neither one of us can remember if we actually finished that game.
In any event, just keep it non-competitive and just enjoy the quiet fun of a night in with your favorite game. It can definitely lead to a sexy finish (and there are even some games to help you get there, too, if that’s ultimately your goal – Twister comes to mind.)
This one is more of a “Kari” thing that eventually pulls Jeremy in (usually because he finally just wants the table back), but we’ve spent many nights working together on a challenging 2,000+ piece jigsaw puzzle. In fact, we’re a day late posting this because we were both engrossed in one last night.
Jigsaw puzzles are cheap and challenging. They cause you to work together but you won’t spend the time really communicating, and that’s what makes them so fun. You are both turning your attention to the challenge at hand, and solving it together, and in the process, you talk and share without even thinking much about it. That makes for a great bonding experience because it’s not forced.
Cook a meal together.
Or bake cookies or a cake or something. Jeremy worked in and owned restaurants, so cooking comes pretty naturally to him, and Kari loves to cook and provide a meal for her family.
Once every so often, instead of trading off the chore of cooking, do it together. Pick a meal that you both love and prepare it together with a glass of wine or a beer, and really enjoy the experience of creating something you’ll sit down to enjoy together immediately after.
Get creative. Pop some popcorn and sit back and watch something different than either of you would pick on your own. You’ll have some quality snuggle time, but you’ll also share in new experiences together as you both view something brand new to you. Seeing something new for both of you creates new experiences you’re sharing together.
Fire pit and wine
(Kari just mentioned that there seems to be a prevalence of wine-drinking in our activities. Jeremy has teasingly called her a lush for years. Meanwhile, Kari just poured us both a glass. Don’t judge.)
Obviously, this can be a patio or porch, if you don’t have a fire pit at the ready. And obviously, this can be a soft drink or an iced tea or a beer, or whatever you enjoy sipping.
The point is, get outside and get busy doing absolutely nothing. Don’t bring your phone except to play a little music. Then sit in the cool of the evening and enjoy the company.
We’ve loved this activity both as a couple, as an extended family with our grown children, and with close friends and neighbors. There is just nothing like ending your day with a setting sun, a cool evening breeze, and the simplicity of simply being together.
These are some of our favorite Date Night At Home activities. Share some of yours!
One of the most important things you can commit to do as a couple – and never get away from – is the Date Night. To keep the fire stoked in your marriage over the years, you have to do the things you did while you were first dating.
And therein is the obvious clue: when you were just dating, you were dating.
We certainly remember that, especially early in our relationship, we couldn’t spend a fortune on dates. If you’re lucky enough to be affluent early in life, great for you (though as a financial planner, Jeremy says you’d better be saving a LOT of it). For the rest of us, though, nights out often had to be sacrificed for financial reasons early in our marriage.
But dating doesn’t have to break the bank. It’s about spending time with each other, learning something new about your partner. Deepening the bond. And just having an enjoyable few hours together!
Here are 10 ideas for date nights that should run you under $50. (If you need a sitter, that’s extra. We usually asked the grandparents or an aunt to watch the kids for a few hours, and they were always happy to do it.)
Community theater – Jeremy is partial to this, because he does the occasional acting gig when he gets the chance (this is him in a recent production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest).
Community theater is a great choice for a few reasons.
First, because it’s far less expensive than professional theater, which has in most cities become so overpriced, it’s only available to the 1% ers. (Shakespeare is spinning in his grave.) Second, because you’re getting to see people doing it solely for the love of the craft. Third, because it supports extremely important arts programs in the community.
Most community theaters will run $20 – $25 for tickets (musicals are generally a little more per seat than “straight” plays, because they cost more to produce). Google “community theaters near me” for upcoming shows and ticket prices.
Escape room – This one was new to us but we discovered it and gave it to our kids as a Christmas gift this year.
An Escape Room is a physical action adventure for a small group of people to solve a live-action puzzle or problem in a set amount of time.
It might be a murder mystery, or a “Temple of Doom” kind of adventure, or a themed room like pirates or a cave adventure. Solve the puzzle in the time frame, and you and your team win (and “escape”).
These can cost a bit more than $50 per couple but you can often find deals and coupons if you look closely. We found a coupon that cut the normally $24 tickets in half. Shameless plug: we found several around our home city of Denver (just Google “escape rooms near me”).
Winery or brewery tour – You can easily spend more if you’re prone to buy a lot of bottles after the tour, but taking a slow tour of a winery, and sampling their wares, is a great way to spend an afternoon. We did this once in the Hill Country of Texas on a Sunday morning, and Jeremy was sloppy drunk before lunch (Kari kept telling him he wasn’t supposed to drink the sample).
Winery tastings can cost about $20 a person, plus any bottles you might purchase afterward.
Brewery tours are pretty cool. They are usually free with some free tastings after the tour, and it’s fascinating to see not only how beers are made, but how a large brewery controls every bit of its waste through the entire process.
We’re in Colorado, so the Coors brewery sits close by, but you can find brewery tours of any of the major breweries (and a good portion of the smaller microbrew tours).
(On a related note, if you’re ever in and around Denver, take the Celestial Seasonings tour just outside of Boulder. Another freebie for the tea drinkers in your life.)
Local gardens / parks – Prices can vary widely here, from free for a local park to $12 – $15 for adults at a professional botanical garden (like the Denver Botanical Gardens).
You can see an amazing amount of flora and plants so exotic you’ll be thinking “Audrey II”. And guys, it’s not as dull as it sounds. The displays can be AMAZING and there’s a lot of science to dig into while you’re checking out the pretty flowers that’ll thrill your pretty lady.
Drive in the mountains / country – There is no cost to this other than gas in the car (and maybe something to eat while you’re out there).
We LOVE taking road trips through the Colorado Rockies, especially in the fall when the autumn colors are changing.
You may run into national or state parks that will charge for you to enter, but there are many other national forests and just mountain passes and byways that will give you a breathtaking day.
And if you’re a flat-lander, fear not. Nearly anywhere just outside your city limits will be an off-the-path drive through the country or woods.
The purpose here is not to find absolute perfection in nature. It’s not a scavenger hunt. It’s just time to relax, enjoy the time with your spouse, and breathe some fresh air.
Stop at some roadside cafe and have lunch. Drive a different route home. Explore. You don’t know your own area nearly as well as you think you do. Go have an adventure close to home.
Live music at local venues – we used to love to meet up with friends at a local bar playing really awesome music. We also knew of a coffee shop that had live music certain nights of the week.
The cost can get out of the $50 range if you’re at a bar and drink a lot. But that’s not what we’re advocating here. It’s about the music.
Free Days at zoo, museum, art museum, etc. – If you live near a major city, you’re bound to have a zoo, natural history museum, war museum, art museum, etc. Because most of these are taxpayer-supported, most of them are obligated to have “Free Days” from time to time (though the regular admission price to most of these will be far less than $50 if you go any other time).
Keep an eye on local media, or search the venues’ websites themselves to find their free days.
Some cities also have a combination pass that lets you visit several of the city’s attractions for one price. We did this in Houston several years ago and enjoyed the Nature & Science Museum, the Houston Zoo, a Pink Floyd laser show in the planetarium, and more, all for one set (and drastically reduced) price.
Bike ride together – This one is self-explanatory, as long as you have bikes. If you’re in a downtown area, like Denver, you can even rent a bike for a few hours from automatic vendors on the street.
The key here is to bike away from congested traffic. Find a bike path that gives you a scenic ride and gives you a little time to chat while you ride.
Swimming / Sports at Rec Center – Kari and I loved playing racquetball and tennis, and who can hate spending a little time in the pool and hot tub?
By far the least expensive way to do these kinds of activities is to head to your local rec center, and you can usually do it year-round. You can pay for most rec centers by the day, and many of them are $5 or less for a day pass for all of the activities inside.
Drive-In Movie – this might be showing our age a little, because they’re getting harder and harder to find, but if you can find a Drive-In Theater, GO TO IT.
For one, it’s critical to support this dying slice of Americana. Almost everyone over the age of 40 has childhood memories of getting in their pajamas before dark, climbing in the back of the car or truck with blankets and sleeping bags, and heading out for a couple of movies in the crisp summer night air. There is NOTHING like watching a movie at the drive-in.
What makes this so cheap is, usually you pay by the carload, not by the person. And, you can bring your own food in if you want. So you can bring a cooler of soda, your own popcorn if you want, even pizza or burgers or a bucket of KFC.
The point is, TWO movies (or even three), plus the food you want to bring, for far less than $50. (Even if you got your food there, you ought to be able to squeak out for less than $50 for the two of you).